News: With Freedom Comes Risk...

Originally published in a South Florida newspaper:
THE PALM BEACH POST
Friday, July 13, 2001

WITH FREEDOM COMES RISK

By Hugh R. Leavell, Palm Beach Post Staff Writer

Last Friday I tried to make the case for allowing your loved ones as much freedom as they can possibly handle. In the optimal case, this means total freedom. If you dare to take the risk, give your partner "carte blanche". Then you'll see what they're made of because they'll be free to be themselves. I may have neglected to mention that there are some who really can't handle freedom and don't want to try.

Despite the fact that we live in a culture that idealizes and even worships freedom, there are many who are terrified by it. They prefer to have an individual or a routine to control them because to manage their lives freely causes them anxiety. In an effort to avoid any "bad", anxious feelings, these people sabotage and sacrifice their own freedom, voluntarily. You can't give them freedom. They will reject it.

Only those who operate from their real selves are comfortable with freedom and the responsibility for self (and others) that goes with it. They understand that they can't always be successful at everything they try but they try anyway. Life requires some trial and error. With that comes occasional failure and the "bad" feelings that come with it.

To shoot for our own goals and live according to our own choices we must be ready to endure some frustration and embarrassment when we fail. The real self can handle this. The false self exists purely for the psychic protection of its creator.

Protection from what? From the possibility of being found to be incompetent, unlovable, unworthy and inadequate. From the possibility of being abandoned or engulfed by others who see us for what we are and don't approve. Everyone experiences self-doubt sometimes. But some of us are completely controlled by it.

Dr. Hugh R. Leavell is a marriage and family therapist with offices in Jupiter and West Palm Beach. Call him at 471-0067 or visit www.oneminutetherapist.com.